The Toolbox
What is the Toolbox?
Everyone is raised with a number of coping mechanisms or “tools” that they use to handle the realities of life. They put them in their “Toolbox”. A tool in the box might look like knowing how to fess up, when to say sorry, how to ask for what you need, how to set a boundary or say “no”, how to navigate a disagreement, when it is healthy to walk away. Once upon a time you learned tools for encouraging your primary caregivers to look after you. Believe me, you did – If that were not true you would not be here today. Babies cannot look after themselves and so they learn to do things like smile and giggle or cry and scream to get what they need. As you grew up you learned some more tools to help interact with siblings or friends – maybe collaborating, sharing, caring or manipulating, blaming and fighting. Hopefully we eventually learn these latter 3 tools did not work for us well or often – and so we dumped them. In any case, we take our tools into our adult relationships – personal and professional. The toolbox is unique and personal to you, a reflection of your life circumstances and how you have learned to deal with them.
Men and Women have toolboxes that look different
While admittedly a broad generalization, there are some interesting differences between men and women in how they manage their toolbox. Is it because of innate gender differences? Nature or nurture? Maybe – but go with me here. A woman, let’s call her “Sally”, tends to add to her toolbox throughout her life because she is intrinsically more relationally and emotionally connected at every point in time. Sally shares secrets with childhood friends. As she grows up she checks in with people she trusts, asking things like “What do you think about…”; Am I off-base with what I am thinking here?”; “Am I being an ass if I do that?”; “Check my logic here please!”. She usually receives the feedback she asked for, thinks about it, and adjusts accordingly. Coping strategies are shared and as life unfolds she progressively adds new tools to her toolbox. Of course her friends might have very bad advice, she might not request or contemplate any suggestions and her toolbox may not grow at all. But in the end, while connections come and go, Sally’s connection to a network of relationships enables her to have options for adding tools – or at least ideas about different strategies to try – to her toolbox when she wants or needs them.
Now let’s turn to Frank. He learned most of his coping mechanisms for dealing with life’s difficulties by necessity and while in his parents home. Unless there is an emotionally mature and relationally connected male around, these tools will most often come from the mothers and sisters in Frank’s life. He doesn’t share his secrets with male friends at school and doesn’t ask for much guidance or advice. He is often more concerned with projecting an image that he wants others to believe. One day Frank leaves home. He believes he has everything he needs for a great life – “I know and have it all!”. He has little need to check his logic with other menfolk. Then, all of a sudden, life happens and suddenly the tools Frank has are no longer effective in dealing with the new realities that he has not had to face before – like the birth of needy children, a partner he doesn’t understand, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or social status afforded by being a member of the club. The limited toolset becomes woefully inadequate, triggering the classic “midlife crisis”. But really it comes down to tools in the toolbox – the hammer and wrench that Frank has, just cannot do the job.
The crisis
When either Frank or Sally experiences a “crisis” for which they have no tools, they have a choice: Go find some new tools that will assist in dealing with the situation, or go back to the tools they have – what is already known and familiar. While Sally inclines to look for help and new coping strategies, Frank tends to what he knows. He reverts to the last thing that worked or made him happy, deciding that the answer to the crisis is to shout louder, drink more, retreat more, file for divorce, get a new woman or a new motorcycle… you name it. But in reality this gets Frank no further forward. The “new woman” gets sick of the immaturity in 8 months because he is still stuck in old and immature thought, behavior and coping patterns. The bike only made the credit card debt worse, and life still sucks. What Frank needs is to look for and learn new tools that will make his life work again. It’s scary. It flies in the face of Frank’s ego which once told him “I have everything I need!”. It requires him to admit to himself that he does not have all the answers and that he needs to go back to school, acquire some new tools that will help make his life manageable again. If he does not, he will remain stuck where he is.
Add to the toolbox
To genuinely progress in life there is no other option than to keep adding to the toolbox. A person cannot rely on old mantras and believe that old ways are always going to be good enough – clearly that is untrue because those tools have failed to address what you are dealing with now. Therapy or wise counsel is often essential – You cannot do this yourself because you have no tools. It might be like trying to teach yourself Chinese without knowing the Chinese alphabet or which direction to start reading in.
And here is the great thing that someone like Frank may need to realize – People typically respond – even admire – someone who is willing to admit they don’t have all the answers. Suddenly someone like Sally becomes a more understanding and loving person because her hearts desire is to be more relationally connected with her man.
Add to your toolbox. Everyone is a winner.